Am I Carrie Bradshaw?

Like every woman of my generation it seems, I worshiped at the alter of Sex and the City. I related to the women and their experiences, their trials and tribulations, their angst, their conversations, the experiences of sharing life with your best girlfriends. Certainly there were aspects of each woman that I could relate to, but my strongest connection was always to Carrie. Carrie who at moments was brilliant, tragic, a train-wreck, or inspired. She and Big were so on-again, off-again that I knew what she went through, I too had those relationships. Every strange nightmare of a relationship she ran into tugged at my heart strings because I could have been watching myself up there - sans the size 2, legs up to here, couture wardrobe, and millions of Manolos, but still.

I saw the movie the other night and at every turn of a corner I saw my life played out, not in exact detail, but goodness I could relate. No, I don't live a life of fashion and glamor in NYC, but I understand the love of shoes...oh how I understand the love of shoes...the desire to have a big beautiful closet, and the devotion to beautiful clothing, accessories, and shoes. Have I mentioned that I love shoes? If Manolo made them in my size I honestly would suck it up and drop $500 on the perfect pair of stiletto heels. I long for the day when I can afford to love my fashion and have it love me back. I have worshiped at the alter of Louis Vuitton, and I swear that someday I will own the monogrammed canvas steamer trunk and that sassy little hat box. I kid you not that it shall be mine. But my view of Carrie is more than just fashion-forward, because let's be honest there are some outfits that no one would really wear. Plus I don't live in NYC, my show would have to be titled "Sex and the Small Town," the jet-set is not my back yard. But I have an amazing set of friends, we drink strong drinks and talk candidly about sex. We support each other, thick and thin, and isn't that really what it's all about?

The real connection I feel with Carrie goes to the fact that who among us hasn't felt the frustration, the uncertainty, the angst and the anger of dating in these modern times? The days where your heart has been so broken that you did not want to get out of bed? I've been there, I have laid in my misery in bed for days at a time over men certainly worth less than the tissues I blew my nose in. When Charlotte uttered the phrase "I've been dating since I was fifteen. I'm exhausted. Where is he?" I stood up and took notice. I knew that feeling! I feel that today, tomorrow, yesterday, for the past I don't know how many years.

But beyond Charlotte, aren't I Carrie? I have turned down good men for bad relationships, I have felt the sting of rejection by men I love for "idiotic stick figures who have no souls," I have recycled men I should not and hidden it (at the time) from my friends. I saw so much of me played out on that big screen and it made me question. Am I going to be the 40-year-old bride, am I going to have to wait forever for Big to get around to me? I believe in Carrie's logic when she said "Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous." But am I going to find that someone? Is he out there? Can a girl really have it all? I don't know, but like Carrie I'm going to write it out - I'm going to write a book aimed at single women, and if the torments of my single life sell and help me buy those Louis bags, some Gucci, Prada, and Chanel, then maybe it will have been worth it in the end. I guess I have 10 years to find the life I'm looking for before I hit 40 and have to accept the consequences of living the life I want instead of the life that goes along with relationships. But so be it, right? I mean at least I had fun with my friends...